There Goes My Hero

“It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.” ~Author Unknown

Back then…1994…I was not afraid of who I was, I was afraid of who I wasn’t. I was really afraid of the unknown. I mean, at age 23, who wouldn’t be. I was fresh out of college. I had the luxury of a great job right out of school, but in my mind I was going down the path of least resistance, not the path to me that ultimately would be sustainable. A lot of my friends really struggled to find “the” job out of college at the time. I was lucky. I was recruited to the dream job, a ski rep. I eagerly took the job. I mean, who wouldn’t. I had a van full of skis, a salary, benefits and a sick expense account. My alternatives were to return home and work at Ski Shop Santa Cruz, or stay in Santa Barbara and continue working at Mountain Air. Both of which I loved, but it was time for me to branch out. I took the job.

Life was great. I was living a fairytale of sorts. I worked hard. I was in my element, and I loved it. Yet, in the back of my mind, I knew I was not living to my potential, just what came easy to me.
After not even a year, I was promoted to the craziest job in so many ways. Looking back, I still can’t believe what I did, where I went, the people I met, and I actually got paid for it. I was traveling the globe, working on skis and boots for some of the greatest skiers (my heroes) in the world at some of the greatest ski places on earth. I was always on the road…and never the same place twice. Life was in fast forward, and I knew I was like a surfer just trying to hang onto the wave as long as I could…at almost any cost. Life was easy, I worked hard and I was good at what I did.

Over a brief break at home in Squaw Valley for New Years, I met this woman that would forever alter my life. I had no idea what it all meant at the time, and I still don’t to this day. We dated for a while and even went on a vacation to Cabo together. In the end, we broke up the next summer. During our relationship, I began to get this uneasy feeling. She was looking for what I thought was a fairytale. Something so unrealistic to my reality that I passed it off as such, unrealistic. At the same time, I took note because not understanding her really bothered me. I knew that I was having a hard time understanding what she was about. She just graduated from college as well. She moved to Tahoe to live the dream of skiing in California, and maybe find a job. But what she really dreamed about was writing. Writing, skiing and me. That’s what she wanted. Her supposed fairytale.

Yup…she, a writer, and I, a corporate ladder monkey. In my mind, while we both loved to ski, her dreams were noble yet unfounded. I wanted measurable success, and she wanted an immeasurable fantasy. She wanted the fairytale. We wanted complete opposites, or so I thought. I was bothered by such discrepancy, and I took note despite my lack of understanding and appreciation. We were in love despite our differences (at least I was), which made breaking up hard. I was promoted yet again and had to move to Southern California so I broke up with her. It was one of the hardest things I had to do to this day, yet, it seemed so logical at the time. Two different dreams, and two different places. Simple math. I still remember how hard I cried the day she drove back to the East coast. I called Seth, and all I could mutter was, “She’s gone. She’s really gone.”

The biggest thing that bothered me was how much I felt for her but how little I understood and appreciated her and what she wanted in life. I mean, really. Who could shun reality and go after their dreams? Who could set aside all convention, pay no attention to the naysayer, and actually go after what makes one happy? And how could you really justify doing what you truly love if it was not measurable in the eyes of others let alone your bank account? Who REALLY lives their dreams????? Yet, underneath it all, deep down, I understood it, I even envied it, yet I just could not logically quantify or justify it in any certain terms. Ironically, it sounds familiar to me now...

Well, it was that episode that shaped my adult life. I was so bothered by how I let somebody whom I loved go, how I moved away from a place that I loved and how easy it was to let go of who I am that to this day it haunts me. I knew I was doing something terribly wrong, but I sided on the path of least resistance. The day I drove a moving van out of Squaw Valley and pointed it towards Long Beach, effectively ending my relationship, I knew something was fundamentally wrong with me. I was on the wrong road…and I knew it. But…hey…when you get to a junction in the road…take it…right? Little could I know that this was exactly the path I would take to find myself...

A few years went by, and got progressively worse as I got farther from who I was and closer to a person who I loathed. One day, things started to fall back into place. Inspired by the person whose dreams and desires I could not understand at the time and ran away from, I let go of who I thought I should be, and started to grasp who I am, and who I dream to be. I took to heart what I could not allow myself to be, yet inherently am, a dreamer. I decided to do what was right for me, not necessarily easy to do. I took the path less traveled for once. I realized that in order to survive, and to be a happy and complete soul, I needed to live my dream no matter how different it may be from conventional wisdom. No regrets, no guilt and most of all, on my terms. The first steps back were excruciating, but necessary.

My ride back to who I am has been the greatest journey (read all of my past entries). I have many people to thank for allowing me to live my dream. Without the support of so many, I would never have achieved such mediocre success. Seriously, the friendships that I have forged and survived through the past years have meant the world to me. I am here today thanks to all of you. Sadly, the one person I have to thank the most for inspiring my journey has left me in the past out of self preservation and cannot believe the person I have become, the dreamer. I guess the tables have turned. I am the dreamer and she the logical, cynical doubter. Serves me right I guess…

Today, watching one family member slowly forget life as it rapidly slips away, while another frantically fights for life reminds me…life gets shorter everyday, and I cannot go another moment without telling you this, though you probably won’t hear me…

I adore you for daring to dream. I admire your courage to live in the direction of those dreams. I am forever thankful for your inspiration. Now I understand.

Enjoy your ride…Happy Thanksgiving